David was a good man. And everything about him said kindness and caring.
“Fuck Christmas!” he muttered after passing the 50th storefront display. “I fucking hate Christmas.”
The crunch of the snow underfoot serenaded him as he trudged along. His breath, a smoky fog led him to the train station. Thunk, went his book bag on the seat next to him. A little girl in a Christmas red coat, smiled at him and his heart softened. She reminded him of Emily at that age. He smiled back.
The little girl’s mother seared him with a look and pulled the girl along to another seat at the front of the car.
“For cripes sake,” he said to himself. “People are fricking paranoid.” He caught a glimpse of himself in the window and shut up. No wonder the little girl’s mother was worried. He looked like one scary dude.
He slumped in his seat and let his mind wander during the long ride home. He tried to do Christmas math in his head. If he didn’t pay this bill or went without new shoes and didn’t replace the bald tires on his truck he could get his wife something pretty. Not expensive or extravagant, like a pair of diamond earrings - too far out of his reach. Plus he had his girls too. Some books, a few CDs, maybe a little more. His head ached. From the beginning of time, it seemed to him, Christmas had always been a problem. A disappointment. Proof positive that he couldn’t do what he wanted for the three people in his life whom he loved more than anything. That he couldn’t shower them with anything their hearts desired stabbed at his heart daily.
The train slowed and signaled his stop was upon him. He rose, shouldered his book bag and shuffled to the exit. A split second before the doors opened he saw the little girl again, reflected in the glass. She smiled at him. And he thought he saw wings. Swoosh. The doors opened and the little girl was gone.
The two blocks home he took slowly, still thinking about what he would do for Christmas. He already worked all the overtime he could get - there just wasn’t any room to do more. He heaved a sigh and his breath fogged a cloud in the night air.
“David,” the voice came softly.
He stopped and looked around the empty street. Nothing there. No one there.
“You’re so damned tired now you’re hearing voices,” he scolded himself. The chill air made him shiver. He thrust his hands in his pockets and started walking again.
“David,” the voice came again - from nowhere, from everywhere.
“Who is that?”
He turned and there she was again, the little girl from the train. No longer in the red coat. No longer accompanied by her mother. But perched on the fountain in the square. She smiled again and warmth embraced David as though he stood at the edge of paradise.
“Who are you?”
“I am your heart,” she said in a voice that caressed his cheek.
He took a step closer. “Am I really seeing you? How did you get up there?” He reached out his arms afraid she would fall but she disappeared. “Where’d you go?”
No answer came, no children appeared. He went home.
Kathy was cooking in the kitchen and the smell of homemade soup made him realize he was famished. David slipped his arms around her waist. “Hi beautiful.” He nuzzled her neck. Her golden curls smelled of lemons.
“Ah, the warrior returns.” She giggled. “Hungry?”
Soon, he, Kathy, Emily and Susan sat around the table and it was all good. It was safe. It was home. It never stopped amazing him that he had such beautiful girls in his life. How blessed he was to have them. What he had ever done to deserve them he never knew. His heart ached again for all he couldn’t give them.
The girls chattered about school and boys and movies. They giggled and tugged on his beard when he tried to hug them. “Oh Dad.”
“What? You too big for your old dad to give you a hug?”
Rolling eyes, more giggles and they were off to their rooms and their teenage worlds.
He looked after them. “They are growing up too fast.”
Kathy smiled and shook her head. “We’re getting old too fast.” She cleared the table and filled the dishwasher.
“Want some help?”
She waved him off. “No, dear husband, I have it all under control. Go relax.”
He woke hours later, lying on the couch, television going. “Oh cripes.” He stumbled to bed - Kathy fast asleep - the house a silent cocoon.
***
“David…” The voice stirred his dreams into images of love and color. He nestled closer to Kathy, a smile on his face, a warmth spread through him.
“David, I am your heart…” the voice of the little angel girl came again. He opened his eyes and her face filled his field of vision. Her smile made him helplessly happy.
“Who are you, really? Why are you here?”
She took his hand and then they were flying. Above the rooftops, and traveled with the stars.
“It’s so beautiful,” he murmured. “Can I stay here forever?”
“Honey? Honey!”
David’s eyes opened and saw Kathy’s worried face.
“What?”
She let out a breath. “My God, I thought you were dead.” Tears sprang to her eyes and she pressed her cheek to his. “Are you okay? Are you sick?”
He held her tightly. “I’m fine. I’m fine.”
She untangled herself from his arms and scrutinized him. She put her hand to his forehead. “You feel warm, I’m getting the thermometer.”
He sat up in bed. “I’m fine,” he insisted. In fact, he had never felt better. “It’s just a little warm in here.”
She paused.
“You know me, I’m like a furnace when I sleep. Come on, everything is fine.”
She nodded, though her eyes didn’t believe him. “Okay. Okay.” She pulled her robe around her. “Up and at em then, time for breakfast.”
His day was like a dream - lovely in muted color and feeling. Nothing, no one, bothered him. His step was quick and easy. Life seemed so good and yet nothing had changed. He still worked a ten hour day. He still had a long commute to work and home. The air was still frigid, the world still covered in snow. But the smile never once left his face.
On his walk to take the train home he lingered and looked in the shop windows. They dazzled him. All gold and silver, sparkle and light. The jewelry store drew him in. A place he would normally avoid and knew he had no right to even enter opened its arms to him.
“May I help you?” the saleslady asked.
“I want to get my wife something nice,” he said as though he had the budget to shop there.
“What did you have in mind?”
The next hour was spent looking at diamond earrings for Kathy and gold necklaces for the girls.
The cell phone buzzed in his pocket. “Hello?”
“David!” Kathy cried. “It’s Emily!”
The world crashed down around him. “What? What about Emily?”
Kathy cried, unable to speak.
“Where are you? What is happening?”
“Huntington Hospital,” she sobbed. “Come now!”
***
Kathy and Susan huddled in green, plastic chairs in the corridor. Their tear-stained faces white with worry stabbed at his chest. He ran to them. “What’s happened? Where is Emily?”
“We were just fooling around,” Susan weeped. “Throwing snow balls. Just playing, Daddy…”
David couldn’t breathe and the world felt so small.
“She didn’t see the car. She slipped and…”
***
David stood vigil over Emily’s bed. She looked so helpless and pale. Hooked up to machines like some freakish life-sized doll. Kathy and Susan slept in chairs unable to fight the exhaustion any longer.
“Why, why, why?” his mind screamed.
“There is no why,” the voice came again. And there she was, the little angel girl who appeared at will.
“Go away!” he screamed her. “Stop coming into my head!”
“You have to let her go.” She touched his hand.
“I do not! I won’t! You can’t make me!” He sobbed and clung to Emily’s hand. It was so cold. Why was it so cold?
“David…”
He put his hands to his ears. “No, I don’t hear you. I won’t hear you!”
He fought and fought hard but exhaustion captured him and he fell to fitful sleep. He fell down, down, down and could do nothing to stop it. Then she caught him and his landing was soft and sweet.
“Why do you catch me when I’m falling?” he asked.
She took his hand and led him down a corridor. It was so quiet, so still. “See this,” she said.
David was in the room where a little girl lie in a bed. Small, frail, barely breathing a breath. He shook his head. It couldn’t be. It was his little angel girl. Her father sat at her bedside, her hand to his cheek. He prayed in a whisper, he wept without sound. Her hand went limp.
“I don’t want to see this. I don’t. Don’t make me look,” David cried.
A light filled the room and a hand reached out to the little angel girl and she rose from her body to take the hand offered.
“I know what you’re trying to tell me. I know,” David screamed. “Why God, oh why?” His words echoed the little angel girl’s father.
She paused and looked back at them both. “I am your heart and shall never leave you.”
Blackness.
***
“Daddy? Daddy!”
David lifted his head at Emily’s bedside. He couldn’t believe his eyes - she was awake and making her funny face at him. “Is it you?”
She laughed like a little windchime. “Who else?” She tousled his hair.
He sat up. “But…the accident…you were…” He looked for Kathy or Susan but they were gone. “Where is your mom and Suz?”
“They went to the cafeteria. Don’t worry, they’ll be back.”
He couldn’t speak or stop the tears that ran down his face.
Tears sprang to her eyes too. “I’m sorry Daddy. I’m so sorry I was so stupid. I’m sorry I scared you.”
He hugged her the best he could. “No baby, it’s okay - Daddy’s here. It’s all okay.”
And as he hugged his daughter and thanked God for not taking her from him he saw his little angel girl smiling at him. “I am your heart, I shall never leave you.” And she became the sunlight that spread in the room and glowed warm and gold.
“I am your heart too,” David murmured. “Always and forever.”
